MY HOME AND MY MINISTRY (COLOSSIANS 3: 18-20)

MY HOME AND MY MINISTRY (COLOSSIANS 3: 18-20)  

BY

REV. TAMUNOIBI ROGERS  MILLER

revtr.miller@yahoo.com; revrandymiller66@gmail.com

Introduction

Most times people talk of success in ministry even though it is supposed to be “faithfulness in ministry”. But if we use success, the truth is that for a pastors, no amount of success in ministry can compensate for failure at home. We can tell ourselves that God needs us to do the work of the church at the expense of all else, and yet we’re commanded to love our families sacrificially (“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25). It is unfortunate that most ministers today are so busy serving others in the name of the Lord but their spouses and kids end up getting the crumbs, the leftovers of their love, respect, and attention. I guess it’s easy to see why so many of our Christian kids have the idea that ministry begins outside of the home. We need to consciously give the family the best, not what is left over. Remember the “Family Ministry Golden Rule” that goes a step beyond the regular golden rule: treat your family members as you would like them to treat you and see them as your most important ministry. In this discussion, the attempt is to consider the things we need to do to have a balanced between our home and ministry. So, while we will encourage faithfulness in ministry, we shall consider five needs of the husband and the wife as they seek to grow a home that will not bring shame to the ministry. 

Interaction Time: A reflection of the home and ministry of Eli suggest there was inbalance. What did you think Eli and wife failed to do?

From the Text: Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (V.18)

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (V.19)

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.(v.20)

Three basic things are clearly presented for the three person of the family in the text; consideration

1. Wife: SUBMISSION is the requirement for the woman. A close look at the text does not give any prerequisite for submission. It is not also based on the love of the man primarily. It is total submission that is very serious as Paul puts it “ as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22) But since love is like a love bank, the more we deposit into the bank the more we become wealthy in our family love relationship which also boost the submission, five Needs important to the woman for consideration are;

1. Five Needs of the Woman: These are;
2. Affection/Love: Small affectionate moments can have a big ripple affection in your relationship. When you show affection to your spouse, she/he feel noticed, respected, and cherished. Taking time to show simple gestures of affection tells your spouse that she/ he is more important than any other person in your life. Some things that can be done are;
3. Kiss her regularly
4. Tell her you love her
5. Give a love pat when you walk by
6. Initiate sex- the way she wishes you would.
7. Text a kind message about something you admire about her.
8. Leave her a note in a unique place—maybe even make it a scavenger hunt
9. Buy her a simple gift that says you love her and are thinking of her
10.  Greet her at the door when she gets home with a warm welcome
11.  Tell her why you are proud of her.
12.  Have a thank you party and celebrate all things you are thankful for about  her
13. Play and pray together.
14. Conversation: The woman needs the man to talk with her. Most women will give account of their activities you were not with her. She needs you to patiently listen to her and share your experiences with her as well.
15. Honesty and Openness: Little details are important to women. They will want you to hid nothing from them. From health matters to office matters and others related to friends.
16. Financial Support: God made the man as head of the family. The man is therefore expected to provide for the woman financially. No matter how much the woman has, she still needs the man to care for her. 
17. Family Commitment: Every woman expects her man to take care of the children, as well as assisting her in the kitchen. This creates more of the intimacy and friendship
18. Husband: The duty of the husband is to LOVE. This is quite heavy and encompassing. Paul expressed the seriousness of it when he compared it to the love of Christ for his Church.( Ephesians5:25). Again some things are essential in boosting the love that the man needs.
19. Five Needs of the Man: The needs are;

1. Sexual Need: This can be a need for both the woman and the man. However, the need is more in the case of the man. Women are easily moved by what they hear, but men are easily moved by what they see. A denial is usually very offensive to the man. Sexual activity should begin with the foreplay. This turn on a mental switch, getting the thoughts moving in the right erotic direction. The touching, intimate talk, kissing hugging, petting, cuddling, massaging and stimulation involved in the foreplay keeps both of them ready for sex. It usually takes the women more time to reached orgasm. The man must be conscious of this and work to improve himself where he has a short period of orgasm. The mental attitude must be maintained and sexual satisfaction becomes very essential.
2. Domestic Support:   The man needs a home keeper who has the ability to keep the home clean always. He feels proud when he comes home and the house is neat and attractive. A woman who is pro-active in handling the issues of the home especially as it relates to the children is always a pride to the husband.
3. Attractive Spouse: The man wishes to see the wife always beautiful. If possible, as beautiful as when he married her. This requires her to constantly and adequately maintain herself. She must not assume that because she is married, nobody is admiring her again. The husband is confronted with the challenge of attractive ladies either at his place of work, in the Church and other places of meeting. Knowing that what the man see moves him, the wife at home must be able to present herself in a way that he will not see her lacking. This will in fact bring him home always.
4. Admiration: Every human being love to be admired at one time or the other. Just as the woman loves to be told how beautiful and attractive she is, the man also loves to be admired. When he is dressed up, before going out, tell him how handsome he is. When he does something for the wife and children, it is necessary to show such appreciation and admiration. This gives him the feeling that he is preferred more than every other man. This is why making comparison between the husband and other men offensive to him.
5. Recreational Companionship: The man also needs one who will be interested in the game he loves playing. He wants his wife to accompany him and play with him as well.
6. Children: OBEDIENCE is the duty of the children. Still there is no condition attached. To boost the obedience of the children, parents need to teach, guide, give attention  and love them.
7. Understand each other’s Temperament: The four types of temperaments are;
8.  Sanguine (the cheerful, warm, buoyant, talks much, make friends easily, super extrovert),
9. Choleric (the commander, hot quick , active, practical and strong willed, extrovert),
10.  Melancholy  (the thinker, sacrificing, gifted, intelligent, creative) and –
11. Phlegmatic (the perfectionist, calm, easy going, cool, slow, well balanced, organized and dependable).

Different Styles of Parenting;

1. The Permissive Parent. General characteristics of permissive  parenting style is giving verbal commands to a child, but will take little action to correct the disobedient behavior.
2. The permissive parent usually does not like the idea of discipline, because he or she equates disciple with meanness.
3. The permissive parent will usually give few boundaries to his or her children. Usually, if a child screams long enough and loud enough, the child will get his or her way. A permissive parent will usually give in to most of the whims of their child.
4.  Permissive parents who give in to most of their child’s desires will usually have out of control children.
5. These children argue and talk back to their parents in a disrespectful way. If your home is full of disrespectful exchanges, you are most likely a permissive parent. Your children should be permitted to disagree with you, but they must disagree in a respectful manner.

As we read 1 Samuel 2:12; 17; 29-30, you will observe one of the best biblical examples of a permissive parent in Eli the priest. His example proves the fact that just because you know the truths of Scripture does not mean that you will automatically be a good parent. Eli surely was not, and he paid a very high price for his failure to act in obedience to God.

Eli’s situation in 1 Samuel 2:12; 17; 29-30 is a good example of a permissive parent

•  He did nothing to stop his sons from sexually exploiting the women at the Tabernacle where the Israelites came to worship.
• Eli’s sons also took by force the best sacrificial meat from the people who came to worship God. Eli told his sons that they should not do this, but took no action to actually stop them from continuing in their evil behavior toward the people of God (1 Sam. 2:23-24).
• God judged Eli severely for his permissive parenting, and ultimately removed him from ministry because he did not stop his sons from doing evil in the house of the Lord.

What was Eli’s problem?

• Eli that he had honored his sons more than he honored God (1 Sam. 2:29). Think carefully about this. You do not want to fall into this category. God wants you to honor Him in all that you do, especially in your parenting. You honor God by doing what he commands (Rev. 4:11).

Read these passages; (Psalm 136:1-12; Prov. 13:24).

• The Uninvolved Parent. This parenting style is much like the permissive parent, but is even worse. The characteristics are;
• The uninvolved parent has little or no actual involvement with their child.
• This parent is usually detached from their child’s life, because he or she is self-involved with other interests that are more important to them.
• This parent is self-oriented and neglectful of his or her responsibilities. He or she has few if any expectations, little to no meaningful communication with the child, and few if any rules.
• An uninvolved parent usually produces very unhappy children who are the least ready to deal with the pressures of life.
• Again, this parenting style produces a very self-oriented child because there is little correction of this child’s selfish nature. Thus, this child believes he or she can do anything they want and get away with it.

King David is one of the best examples of an uninvolved parenting style (1 Kings 1:5-6 “had not rebuked him at any time”). David was a military man who was away from his children and served as the King of Israel for much of his life, but this was not what caused him to become an uninvolved parent.

David had a minimum of six wives and at least nineteen sons. Most likely David also had many daughters as well, though only Tamar is mentioned in Scripture.

Primarily, David refusal to discipline his son Adonijah. In addition, David refused to deal with Absalom for killing his brother Amnon after the rape of his sister Tamar. David also failed to allow God’s law and Israel’s justice system to deal righteously with Amnon’s action, or Absolom’s murder of Amnon. Even after David allowed Absalom to return to Jerusalem, he neglected to meet with him to resolve the issues (2 Sam. 14:28). David was an uninvolved parent.

3. The Over-Protective Parent. An overprotective parent usually fails to see that they are living out their own fears through their children. This parent has usually been abused, neglected, or deeply hurt growing up. Or, they have simply been raised by another over-protective and fearful parent.

The general characteristics of this parenting style is that they base most if not all of their decisions regarding parenting on fear and insecurity. This parent has made the decision to protect the child from anything harmful that could possibly happen in life. Fear is the motivator and basis for this parent’s action. However, the Bible teaches that, “The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe” (Prov. 29:25).

• The over-protective parent is always overly concerned about safety, and therefore, will restrict a child from any activity, sport, or social interaction because of the fear of what might happen. This parent not only fears what people may do, but they also fear circumstances over which they have no control. Therefore, an over-protective parent is usually also very controlling. They want to control every possible circumstance that may happen.

What the over-protective parent fails to realize is that from the moment of birth children are on a path to independence. This is how children grow and mature. They must learn the skill of independent decision-making and problem solving. With each year that passes, your child must become more and more independent in his or her thinking. But, that means they will encounter problems and must make mistakes if they are ever to learn how to think and problem solve on their own. You cannot live their life for them. They must grow in their maturity and wise decision-making, which results in a successful adult life.

4. The Authoritarian Parent.

The general characteristics of the authoritarian parent is that he runs his house with an iron fist. He or she is usually very insecure about themselves and their position in the family. This parent is usually control oriented. Children in an authoritarian household have no voice or input whatsoever. They are “to be seen and not heard.” An authoritarian parent will usually be overly-strict and will use anger, yelling, threats, and harsh discipline to keep control. An authoritarian parent will be rules oriented – “do it because I said so” and will usually give little or no explanation or reasoning behind the rules. However, this behavior will exasperate and cause a child to lose heart (Col. 3:21).

The authoritarian parent is best seen in the life of King Saul. He was an angry, threatening, and vindictive man. King Saul was so harsh in his treatment of David that he ended up losing the respect of his own son Jonathan (1 Sam 20:30).

This parent needs to remember what Dr. James Dobson said about parenting. He said, “Rules without relationship will always equal rebellion.” If you are an authoritarian parent, anger and yelling only cause your children to lose respect for you and rebel against you. You may think that you are in control, but in reality, you are losing control. In fact, you are losing the most important part of your family relationship, or for that matter any human relationship, which is respect (Heb. 12:9; Eph. 5:33; 1 Peter 3:7).

An authoritarian parent who is harsh and controlling can produce in their child behavior modification, but will not affect the real change desired, which is of the heart. Anger, yelling, and threats will produce temporary change in a child’s actions, but will not change the heart..

5. The Authoritative Parent. The authoritative parent is not to be confused with the authoritarian parent. The authoritative parent is the parenting style you should aspire to have in your home. Solomon is the best example of an authoritative parent. After growing up with an uninvolved father, Solomon reverses directions in his own life. In Proverbs, Solomon wrote extensively concerning the love and discipline of children, and how to guide them in the way of the Lord. It is clear that Solomon wrote these proverbs for the guidance of his son. In Proverbs 1: 8 he warns, “My son, hear the instruction of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother.” Twenty-six times Solomon addressed his instructions to “My son.” Solomon very likely came to these conclusions about parenting because of what he observed in his own family life, and specifically his father David’s parenting style.

What are the general characteristics of an authoritative parent? This parenting style does not want to control, but guide a child’s heart. An authoritative parent is assertive, but not intrusive in a child’s life. Therefore, Solomon instructed, counseled, and lovingly guided his children. Note his own words: “My son, if your heart is wise, my heart will rejoice – indeed, I myself; Yes, my inmost being will rejoice when your lips speak right things…Hear, my son, and be wise; and guide your heart in the way” (Prov. 23:15-16; 19).

Other authoritative parents that you can read about in Scripture would include Elkannah and Hannah the parents of Samuel the Prophet (1 Sam. 1-2), Zechariah and Elizabeth the parents of John the Baptist (Luke 1), Mordecai the adoptive parent of Esther (Esther 1-10), and Naomi as the single parental figure in the life of Ruth (Ruth 1-4). Each of these parents were authoritative, but not authoritarian in their parenting. Each child became a very effective instrument in the hand of God.

6. God’s Parenting Style
We are constantly asked to become conformed into the image of our Maker, so let’s consider the example of God’s parenting style. The Lord promises, “I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty” (2 Cor. 6:18). God wants to be involved, authoritative, and instructive of you His child. So, think about your heavenly Father’s parenting style. How does He parent?

1. The Father loves you and wants involvement with you. (Jer. 31:3; John 16:27; (Matt. 4:19; John 10:14-15).

2. The Father communicates clear boundaries for you to follow as His child. (John 15:15; Prov. 4:3-4). Therefore, as a parent you must communicate to your children all things that they need to know for a successful life.

3. The Father is not controlling, manipulative, or over-protective, because He gives you freedom over all non-moral issues in your life. From the beginning, God gave Adam and Eve the freedom to eat of any of the trees of the Garden (Gen. 2:16-17). 4. The Father is very loving, forgiving, and merciful when you fail (Heb. 8:12). He is ready to forgive, and willing to receive all who come to Him for forgiveness. He is approachable. Are you forgiving and merciful when your children fail?

5. The Father also disciplines and corrects you when you disobey and rebel against Him (Prov. 3:12; Heb. 12:7).

6. The Father models the truth as an example (John 13:15). Being an example to your children is one of the most powerful and authoritative teaching tools you possess as a parent.

7. The Father is encouraging and comforting in a balanced way. Paul told the Thessalonian church, “You know how we exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children, that you would walk worthy of God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory” (1 Thess. 2:11-12). Children need your personal involvement which allows you to be authoritative in loving correction and comfort when they fail.

8. The Father is also very protective as He guards us from real harm (Heb. 11:23). Your children must know that you will protect them when a real threat comes their way. Doing so will only assure them that you truly care about them.

9. Last, the Father is a provider for His children (2 Cor. 12:14).

Ways to Balance the Home and Ministry

1. Apply Wisdom
2.  Protect family time.
3. Avoid Feelings of Holiness and Awesomeness and over- bloated Ego: There is the tendency for a religious leader to develop feelings of awe or holiness as a result of the relationship with God. This in itself is not wrong. However, this feeling can become an obstacle to the religious leader more and more engrossed with the relationship with God to the point of forgetting that Christian relationship is both horizontal and vertical. Such attitude or feeling can result or manifest in many ways.
4. The relationship with his spouse in that she will face rejection.
5. It can result in abstinence from sex when married for a period of time.
6. The children in such home will be out of touch with the “holy parent”.
7. The leader will be so removed from others to the point of losing touch with reality.

Conclusion: What are your suggestions on how to maintain a balance between the Home and Ministry?