“THE EFFECT OF MARRIAGE BREAKUUP ON CHILDREN UPBRINGING”

A Paper Presented at the One Day Congress of the Men Missionary Union of Ogba/Egbema/Ndoni Baptist Association on the 1^st of September, 2018 at Glorious Baptist Church, Okposi

BY

REV. TAMUNOIBI ROGERS MILLER

PASTOR, NEW COVENANT BAPTIST CHURCH, OMOKU

revtr.miller@yahoo.com; revrndymiller66@gmail.com

08033410957

INTRODUCTION     (Read Malachi 2:16; Romans 7:1-3; Proverbs 22;6)

In every marriage especially that of Christian marriage, it is always given as an injunction that what God has put together no person should put asunder, the two have now become one. In effect the man and the woman now unite to become one flesh. Marriage is understood as a bond, as a covenant to which the parties are expected to keep faith. To interfere with this bond is a grievous offence, and for as long as this bond, and covenant is maintained, and as the members of the divine union perform their expected roles, the home will just stay intact and at the same time flourish to the glory of God.

Marriage which is “the legal union between a man and a woman to become husband and wife” means bond and bond, means oneness and peace of mind. Every marriage however is expected to bring forth hope, social harmony and stability: but because sometimes people marry without having proper understanding and purpose their union do break up. The truth remains, in true marriage, the people never think and talk about breakups; rather they talks about standing together for better or for worse till death do part them. The sad experience is that there is increase in the rate of devoice in our society today even among acclaimed Christian marriages.

Divorce affect all that are part of the family, the husband, wife children and relatives. However, in this short paper, the attempt is to give an overview of the sffects it has on the children’s upbringing.

WHAT IS DIVORCE

The word divorce in the New Testament is “apostasion” which means, ä defection”. To defect means “to forsake a party or a person”. It is when the husband and wife legally decide not to stay together. The biblical injunction however is for” the man to leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). “Whatever God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:9).

SOME PREDISPOSING FACTORS TO DIVORCE

1. Adultery: This leads to mistrust and eventually a breakdown of the whole marital union
2. Unresolved Hurts and offences: This can lead to a state of chronic unhappiness and depression.
3. Violence in the marriage: Where one party resorts to violence and sharp abusive words to resolve conflict.
4. Childlessness:  A situation of childlessness can degenerate into a break-up of the relationship.
5. Long separation: Where one spouse travels to live in another country and the other is unable to join due to inability to obtain the necessary visa. It could also be a situation where a couple is separated for a while because of problems and they could not settle.
6. Interference from relatives and friends: This can be due to too much of parental influence and control or too many dependents from extended family members.
7. A bad attitude: A persistent and deliberate bad attitude that cannot respond to advice, rebuke, admonishing or entreaties from anyone.

THE CHALLENGES OF DIVORCE ON THE COUPLES

1. An unending hurt is inflicted           ( Proverbs 17:14)
2. A bitter personality is created           (Proverbs 18;14)
3. A permanent break-up of relationship/ fellowship           (Proverbs 18:19)
4. A broken/wounded spirit and emotions   (Ecclesiastes 5:4,5)
5. A long standing bitterness  (Leviticus 19:17; Hebrews 12:15)
6. Pain and permanent scar
7. Distress / Depression (Psalms 32: 3-4; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON THE UPBRINGING OF THE CHILDREN

1. Shame/Embarrassment: Children can become so ashamed and embarrassed that they don’t even tell their closest friends about what is happening in their families. They consider inappropriate on the part of their parents and are ashamed when they are confronted by friends either at school or church.
2. Anger and Hatred: Anger is among the most common response: The insults from friends, the lack of financial support and care may generate anger in the children. Children may respond to anger in various ways. They repress it, repress it and even feel guilty. They may also release their anger in passive-aggressive anger, aggressive, frustration and depression.
3. Insecurity /Low Self Esteem: Children of divorce families are especially vulnerable to feelings of insecurity and low self esteem. The children sometimes have the feeling that their very existence is the reason for parents’ divorce. The condition brings about stigmatization that will lead to low self esteem. The burden of the support of the children by one parent may induce resentment and the feelings of ‘I am nothing but trouble’ to my parents.
4. Grief/Depression: After the period of divorce the children go through a period of grief. No doubt grief is a healthy process, providing a period of transition and acclimation to a loss. The grieving process normally includes five stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They will endure occasional moments of sadness as they adjust to the condition of divorce. Depression however is a prolonged period of sadness, often intense and characterized by apathy, loss of interest in and consideration of on studies, loss of ability to enjoy peer relationship, helplessness, hopelessness, irritability, obsessive self-criticism and withdrawal.
5. Alienation and Loneliness: Children from divorced home may feel somewhat estranged from one or both parents. They may feel alienated from their church, even when they have experienced nor unpleasant or judgemental reaction from church members or leaders. They may feel suddenly distant from their friends. They may feel deserted and rejected by God Himself and will wonder why God could allow such a thing to happen.
6. Academic Problem and possible Dropout: It is usually difficult for such children to concentrate on schoolwork, they gradually go into rebellion and they may lead to dropping out of school.
7. Behavioural Problems: Some children exhibit behavioural problems in the wake of their parents’ separation and divorce. They may begin to smoke and drink, missing school, disrespectful to schoolteachers and even church leaders. Such behaviour is often an expression of anger, or confusion, a response to the emotional turmoil they feel but cannot adequately express.

Some may in the process run out of home and become drug addicts. Girls may go into promiscuity

• Possible Spiritual Problems: In most cases the parents are models to the children. The children can therefore learn from what they see from the parents. In the parents the children see the goodness of God and His mercies. But when the parents present a negative attitude that is opposed to that that understanding, it also present a different picture of who God is to the children. They therefore may doubt in their hearts the love of God to them and their family. This truncated understanding make them to ask the question where God when my parents divorced?. Their commitment and spiritual development may thus be affected. The moral decadence of our society is partly blamed on the increase of breakup of families and inability of single parents to control the children. 
• Marital Problems: Again, the children see the marriage of their parents as a model and they aspire to replicate same when they are of the age of marriage. Hostility in the family may create that hostile and bossy attitude in the male child if his father do manifest that. On the side of the girls she may become aggressive to men thinking she needs to defend herself. They can also be afraid of marriage thinking that all women will be the like there mother and all men will be like their father. 
• Violation of the Child’s Right; The child’s right  says ä child is to life and identity is threatened. His/her right to education and communication may be suppressed, he/she is even not sure of the right of good health protection.

CONCLUSION

As I conclude the question remains what is ‘THE WAY OUT’?: For the way out for divorce, we must carry the big bill board in our mind written “NO, NO,  AND NO TO DIVORCE”, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). We must make all efforts to maintain our marriage relationships, mend the fractured ones for proper healing and grow the weak ones to become strong.

1. Allow God to take control of the family. When He is he Lord, it shall be well. (Psalm 127:1)
2. Pray together because the family that prays together stays together (Proverbs 3:5-6).
3. Talk about issues of disagreement before they become too difficult to handle (Ephesians 4:29; Proverbs 15:1; Proverbs 17:27-28).
4. Beware of wrong advices from other people. Not everyone is happy for the success of your marriage. (Mark 7;21-230
5. Forgive one another. There is no sin committed by a partner that is beyond forgiveness. Let us replicate this example of Christ in his love for the Church (Matthew 6;14-15; 18:21-22; Ephesians 4:31-32; 1 Corinthians 13:5)
6. Train the Children together Deuteronomy 6:4-7; I Timothy 3:4; Proverbs 23:13-14;
7. Love and submit to one another (Ephesians 5;25, 22-24; I Peter 3:7; I Timothy 3:4)  

Think: – There was no Mrs. Eli, what was the record of heaven about the children?

(I Samuel 3:13; Hebrews 12;11)

• Mrs. Lot became a pillar of salt, what was the record of heaven about the children? (Proverbs 22:5; Matthew 6:24; Romans 6:23).
• The Unstable Family of David, what was the result of selfishness? It was the mercy of God for the dynasty to continue (Matthew 20:26-28; Romans 15:2-3; 2 Samuel 18:33)
• Moses with an unstable family, what was the record of the children?

May the God who instituted marriage grant us grace to say NO TO DIVORCE and bring up the children in the fear of God, AMEN.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS US ALL.

WORKS CITED;

Babatunde,  Mike. Marriage Covenant. Lagos: His Grace Teaching Ministry, 1998.

Heward-Mills, Dag. Model Marriage: A Marriage Counselling Handbook. Np: Parchment House, 2005.

McDowell, J and Bob Hostetle. Handbook on Counselling Youth. Nashville, Tennessee: W. Publishing Group, 1996.

Ojiako, N. G. Save the Child: The Effects of Broken Home on the Niger Deltan Child. Port Harcourt: Hoi Publishing Company, 2013.