THE PASTOR AND SEX

A SEMINAR  PAPER ON “THE PASTOR AND SEX” PRESENTED AT THE RIVERS BAPTIST CONFERENCE PASTORS’ FELLOWSHIP AT CHAPEL OF REDEMPTION, RIVERS STATE  UNIVERSITY, PORT HARCOURT FROM 1^ST  – 3^RD AUGUST 2018

BY

REV. MRS. PATRICIA TAMUNOIBI MILLER

08033410957 (miller2015nimi@yahoo.com)

INTRODUCTION

In the institute of marriage, God created sex for pleasure and procreation. This implies that sex is not a sin in the confined of marriage. God has created man a sexual being. The pastor is a human being, hence not devoid of sex in marriage. Sex is a unifying factor in marriage and it is indispensable. Therefore, married pastors that would want to stay together until the end of their lives must understand that sex is important. In 1 Corinthians  7: 3-5 enjoins couples to fulfil their sexual obligations to one another and must not deny each other except on mutual agreement for the sake of prayer. They must however resume immediately so that it will not be a loophole for the devil. It also warned that the woman  or the man has no right over their bodies but for each other. So each of them has the right for sexual satisfaction and fulfilment, it is a matter of give and take.

The erroneous believe that only men demands for sex must be abolished in people’s mind because women also have sexual urge just like men and any of them can initiate sex and must not be considered a sin or waywardness as we were made to believe before now. This means that sex could be enjoyed by couples, they only need to have a pleasing attitude towards sex and avoid every form of distractions irrespective of a belief system, training, culture, tradition or proverbial statements.  Therefore, the topic, “the pastor and sex” is a relevant one. This is because sex in marriage has been an issue in some marriages, including pastors that have led to separation and divorce in some cases. In as much as marriage is God’s plan for human kind, it must not be abused and must not be entered into with levity. But must be entered lawfully and legally (Genesis 24:52-59). Who we marry also counts as pastors for God’s word is clear about it 2 Corinthiamns5 5:17; 6:14-18).

THE MYSTERY OF SEX

            Sex is a mystery because it is hard to comprehend and explain to the full understanding of anyone. We can say sex bonds, sustains and satisfies. Lattaye says, “a sexually satisfied husband is a man who will rapidly develop self-confidence in other areas of his life. Also, that a man can endure academic, occupational and social failure as long as he and his wife relate well together in the bedroom; but success in other fields becomes a hollow mockery if he strikes out in bed. Being unsuccessful in his bedroom signals failure in life”.

This expresses how mysterious sex could be. But how we handle it can also lead to destruction. Sex is sexually motivated behaviour. Good sex is therefore, what gives anyone pleasure and satisfaction. Onoyenure obliged that sex has the function of creating an increased and lasting intimacy as well as strong bond between the two. When this happens, it enhances their conjugal bliss, places a check on intruders, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness and separation. Hence, every pastor must understand the act of sex to enjoy its benefits.

BENEFITS OF SEX

1. Help to maintain our immune system as frequent sex (one or two times a week) have significantly higher levels  of immunoglobulin A (IGA)  that fights off invading organism at their entry.
2. Aids rejuvenation of the body
3. Improves women’s bladder control
4. Lowers blood pressure
5. Counts as exercise and burns down five (5) calories per minute
6. Lowers heart attack risk
7. Acts as pain relief from headache, leg pain, menstrual cramps, arthritis  etc.
8. Helps reduce risk of prostate cancer (research has shown that men who ejaculate at least two (2) times a month during sex have a lower risk of prostate cancer).
9. Improves sleep
10. Help to glow skin – A Scottish research showed that people who have sex every other day look dramatically younger.
11. Reliefs stress 
12. Promotes longevity – It has been proved that men who have at least two (2) orgasms a week live longer that men who have sex just once every few weeks.
13. Improves overall fitness
14. More frequent sex helps to increase vaginal lubrication, blood flow and elasticity which in turn make sexual activity more enjoyable.
15. Increase intimacy and improves marriage relationship
16. Provides life most exiting experience
17. Reduces friction in the house
18. Brings about security Keeps you stable and active in mind.

CHALLENGES TO HEALTHY SEX LIFE

      It is unfortunate that some couples have loose the pleasure of sex after their honey moon and replaces it with children, work, old age, sickness etc. Others allow certain attitudes and behaviour to hinder their sex life. Some of these are;

1. Naiveness about romantic sex life
2. Insensitivity to environment
3. Caustic language
4. Improper or careless dressing  / attire
5. Lack of maintenance of body figure and shapes
6. Overwhelming problems and difficulties of life.
7. Fear of pregnancy
8. Lack of money
9. Unresolved feelings of resentment and unforgiveness.
10. Over spirituality
11. Lack of concern for the spouse’s  satisfaction during sexual intercourse
12. Lack of proper communication
13. Lack of love from the husband
14. Lack of submission from the wife
15. Lack of care of oneself.

PROCESSES OF INTIMATE SEX

1. Fore-play: This is like turning on a mental switch. It is getting the thoughts moving in the right erotic direction. When a husband jumps right into intercourse without preparing his wife and considering her needs, she may feel that she is being used or that the husband is simply thinking of his own needs. He needs to be emotionally involved and to show concern, tenderness and love before as well as during the actual intercourse.

In fore-play, two things are involved:

1. Seduction: This has to do with the mind. The husband and wife both need to be mentally ready for romantic love.
2. Arousal: This has to do with the body. This is the physical preparation and the woman has a lot to do here with her looks and dressing.

Note that feelings that should be transmitted during fore-play include gentleness, tenderness, love, excitement, passion and enthusiasm.  Some of the things that enhance the fore-play are;

i.Touching               ii. Kissing                                  iii. Undressing each other

iv. Hugging            v. Verbal communication        vi. Caressing and massaging

vii. Stimulation of the wife’s clitoris         8. Petting and Fondling:- This should be gentle as some women complain that their husbands squeeze their breasts in a way that does not feel good.

• Intercourse:- This involves different styles or positions for the enjoyment of the couples. Here, couples are encouraged to be creative and explore other methods beyond the common known ones. Some of the styles are;
• The Gliding Position where the man lies on top of the woman
• The woman on top of the man
• Kneeling position
• Seating position where the woman straddled across his lap and facing him
• Lying on sides with each other facing the same direction
• The wife standing, backing the husband and bending forward.
• The Jockey Positions of the woman lowering her body backward towards her husband’s feet, straight or leaning forward.
• The crossed position
• The Backpass position of the woman lying on the side of her stomach and the man enters her virgina from the back.
• The stimulating Basic position of the woman raising her legs from the bed so that they rest on the man’s shoulders 
• The front standing position where she can lift up one leg and support it on a chair
• The Back standing position where the woman leans forward and the man enters from the rear.
• The A-four position where the wife kneels forward and the husband kneel behind her also
• Afterglow: – This is a time of cuddling, holding and supporting through words of appreciation and re-affirmation.

THE PASTOR MAINTAINING AND ENJOYING GOOD SEX LIFE

1. Understand and appreciate each other’s sexual nature
2. Understand what triggers each other sexually
3. Be available for each other i.e holding hands, strolling together, bathing together and visiting exciting places together.
4. Learn how to meet each other’s sexual needs by reading books, asking questions etc.
5. Demonstrate love for each other with tender play, verbal communication, helping each other finish chores and other responsibilities.
6. Learn to listen to each other as you discuss your love life together
7. Be attractive to each other, keep clean and smell good.
8. Avoid excessive weight
9. Dress appropriately
10. Avoid resentments and unforgiveness
11. Be responsive during sex.

THE PASTOR AND HIS WIFE’S  TEMPERAMENT AND THEIR  SEX LIFE

Here we shall consider briefly four of the temperament types and how these affect the sex life of the couple. The four types of temperament are – Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and phlegmatic.

1. The Sanguine Husband: Some things associated with this temperament type are; 
2. It does not take much time to turn him on sexually.
3. He has great appetite for love making. They are reluctant to say ‘no’. He is weak- willed
4. Can easily be hurt and feel deflated when the wife does not respond to his gestures of love.
5. Can be unfaithful if not sexually satisfied
6. The Sanguine Wife:
7. She enjoys sex; excited, and can be aggressive sexually.
8. He charming personality can turn up men without her knowing and does not take much coaxing to get her into the mood of love making.
9. Do maintain a good attitude about sex despite of what she has heard before marriage.
10. She can be sexually aggressive and take the move
11. Has a desire to please her husband and encourage him as he accommodates her.
12. The Choleric Husband: 
13. Does not indulge in much foreplay, wants it quickly and goes away.
14. Appear to be a great lover on the surface.
15. Usually impulsive and thinks that things will always work out including sex.
16. Unable to lavish affection on spouse, and impatient.
17. He can learn and make changes in love making.
18. The Choleric Wife:
19. Her love life affected by her upbringing. Could be difficult with previous traumatic experiences, but exciting and creative  with good parental teaching.
20. Because they usually achieve what they are set to achieve, so when they form an opinion it is difficult to change including love experience.
21. If not spirit filled, she may dominate the husband in everything including sex.
22. She can stay away from sex if with a phlegmatic husband but the end may be explosive and end with undesirable effect.
23. The Melancholic Husband
24. Is an idealist and goes into marriage believing all will go well.
25. If he marries a naïve person, they may experience depression because of a shaky sex life
26. He is able express  true love, romantic but little thing can turn him off sexually.
27. Feels rejection from lack of immediate response from wife to his sex advances.
28. Finds it difficult to seek counselling.

• The Melancholic Wife
• An unpredictable love partner because of her usual mood swings.
• To her quality in sex life is preferable to quantity.
• She can be excessively religious about sex if her mother had a problem in this area.
• Is usually interested in sex when she wants to get pregnant and have children.
• Can be an exciting and fulfilling love partner if weaknesses do not overpower strengths.

• The Phlegmatic Husband.
• May have little trouble gaining the love of his wife because of his respect for her.

ii.  Prone to letting his wife initiate lovemaking

iii. His wife may soon feel unloved because he does not assume initiative in the bedroom.

• May silently endure less enjoyable relations with his wife which may rob them of ecstatic sexual experience.

• The Phlegmatic Wife
• She rarely initiates lovemaking but will almost never turn her husband down because she wants to please him.

ii.   She can easily be afraid that her husband may lose respect for her if she appears too eager or forward in lovemaking.

iii. Once she learns the act of love making, her desire for the experience will overtake the passive tendency.

• Her husband must make effort to arouse her to orgasm.

CONCLUSION

It is the responsibility of the pastor and his wife to make their sex life pleasing, glowing as they remain sensitive to each other. They must not be ashamed to tell each other how they feel and demand for sex when needed. It is important for the pastor and his wife to understand each other’s temperament and be willing to adjust and accommodate each other when it comes to their sex life. It is my prayer that God will restore and heal the fractured sexual lives of our families.  

REFERENCES

Adedeji, John Adebayo (2002). The Marriage that Lasts. Lagos: New Life Family Counselling and Prayer  Clinic.

Henry, Felix (2007). Blissful Marriage. Warri: Globec Glorious Nig. Ent.

Heward-Mills, Dag (2005). Model Marriage A Marriage Counselling Handbook. Np: Parchment House

Lahaye, Tim and Beverly (1976). The Act of Marriage. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House.

Lahaye,Tim (1992). Spirit Controlled Temperament. Benin: Joint Hairs Publications Nigeria Limited. 

Meier, Richard, Lorraine Meier, Frank Minirth, Paul Meier (1985). Sex in the Christian Marriage Maintaining the Horneymoon. Texas: Today Publishers, Inc.

Oladapo, J. A. (2012). The Christian Home. Akure:  Hirise Celebrity Publishers.

Onoyenure, S, U. (2013). Love, Sex and Relationship. Warri: Soonajane-Ventures.

Ossai-Ugbah, Evans and Boma (nd) Enjoying Your Spouse. Benin: Ambik Press.