MOVING FORWARD: TRIUMPHING THROUGH INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP IN MARRIAGE (ECCLESIASTES 4: 9-12; MARK 10:6-8)

MOVING FORWARD: TRIUMPHING THROUGH INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP IN MARRIAGE (ECCLESIASTES 4: 9-12; MARK 10:6-8)  JUNE, 2018

BY

 TAMUNOIBI ROGERS  MILLER 

revtr.miller@yahoo.com; revrandymiller66@gmail.com

Introduction:

 Movement in life is inevitable. Some move round a circle, some move backward but the need to move forward is the desire of every one. This movement can reflect in the economic, educational, social, and religious aspects of life. In this quarter, we are considering moving forward in interpersonal relationship in marriage.  The emphasis is on the marriage relationship which is an essential institution to everyone, the church and the society. The word interpersonal involves relations that exist between persons and in this case between the husband and wife. Relationship indicates the way two or more people talk to, behave toward and deal with each other.,

Marriage and Its Purposes:

Marriage is a “sacred and permanent lifelong union between a man and a woman who have by legal implication agreed to live together as husband and wife”.  It can also be describes as “the most intimate of unions into which, by personal consent, one man and one woman enter on the basis of mutual love and fidelity; It is nourished by sexual intercourse and perfected in a lifelong partnership of united endeavour”  Let me note at this point that the present day pattern of cohabitation by a man and woman is not traditionally acceptable and not Christian. The purposes of marriage are;

1. Companionship:  (Genesis 2:18, 24) This is the most important reason for the institution of marriage.
2.  Satisfaction of the physical and emotional need of the couple (Exodus 20:14, Deut.5:6, I Cor.7:1-2.)
3. Procreation (Genesis 1:28)

 Having considered the purposes of marriage, it is necessary to consider the texts  and few lessons.

Examining the Texts – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 and  Mark 10:6-8:

 Some Lessons:

This book of Ecclesiastes which is  usually called the Preacher and the authorship is traditional ascribed to Solomon since the book described the preacher as the “son of David, king  in Jerusalem” (1:1),  one who was surpassingly wise (1:16) and had a very prosperous reign (2:1-9). The verses in question falls under the preacher’s of vanities, the “vanity of  labour”.. However we can apply the lesson in the area of marriage.

Also, the book of Mark was written by John Mark, the cousin of Barnabas. John was his Jewish and Mark was his Roman or Gentile name. He was possibly the son of Mary who was the sister of Barnabas (Acts 12:12). John Mark journeyed with Paul and Barnabas on Paul’s First Missionary Journey (Acts 13: 25-13:1-13). He was with Paul some time during Paul’s imprisonment (Acts 4:10). Mark concentrated on the person and work of Jesus as God’s son who came into the world for the redemption of man (1:1). From the two passages, few lessons for consideration are;  

a. Loneliness:  Solomon notes that  two are better than one, and more happy jointly than either of them could be separately, more pleased in one another than they could be in themselves only, mutually serviceable to each other’s welfare, and by a united strength more likely to do good to others: They have a good reward of their labour; whatever service they do, it is returned to them another way. But he that is kind to another has a good reward; the pleasure and advantage of holy love will be an abundant recompense for all the work and labour of love. Hence Solomon infers the mischief of solitude: Woe to him that is alone. He lies exposed to many temptations which good company and friendship would prevent and help him to guard against; he wants that advantage which a man has by the countenance of his friend, as iron has of being sharpened by iron.

b. Mutual Warmth: If two lie together, they have heat. So virtuous and gracious affections are excited by good society, and Christians warm one another by provoking one another to love and to good works.

c. United Strength: If an enemy find a man alone, he is likely to prevail against him; with his own single strength he cannot make his part good, but, if he has a second, he may do well enough: two shall withstand him. “You shall help me against my enemy, and I will help you against yours;” according to the agreement between Joab and Abishai (2 Sa. 10:11), and so both are conquerors; whereas, acting separately, both would have been conquered. In our spiritual warfare we may be helpful to one another as well as in our spiritual work; next to the comfort of communion with God, is that of the communion of saints. He concludes with this proverb, A threefold cord is not easily broken, any more than a bundle of arrows, though each single thread, and each single arrow, is. Two together he compares to a threefold cord; for where two are closely joined in holy love and fellowship, Christ will by his Spirit come to them, and make the third, as he joined himself to the two disciples going to Emmaus, and then there is a threefold cord that can never be broken. They that dwell in love, dwell in God, and God in them.

d. Inseparable Union: The fair account they gave of what they found in the law of Moses, expressly concerning divorce, v. 4. Christ asked, What did Moses command you? They own that Moses permitted, a man to write his wife a bill of divorce, and to put her away, Deut. 24:1. “If you will do it, you must do it in writing, delivered into her own hand, and so put her away, and never return to her again.” The answer that Christ gave to their question, in which he abides by the doctrine he had formerly laid down in this case (Mt. 5:32), That whosoever puts away his wife, except for fornication, causeth her to commit adultery. And to clear this he here shows,

–  That the reason why Moses, in his law, permitted divorce, was such, as that they ought not to make use of that permission; for it was only for the hardness of their hearts (v. 5), lest, if they were not permitted to divorce their wives, they should murder them; so that none must put away their wives but such as are willing to own that their hearts were so hard as to need this permission.

– That the account which Moses, in this history, gives of the institution of marriage, affords such a reason against divorce, as amounts to a prohibition of it. So that if the question be, What did Moses command? (v. 3), it must be answered, “Though by a temporary proviso he allowed divorce to the Jews, yet by an eternal reason he forbade it to all the children of Adam and Eve, and that is it which we must abide by.” Moses tells us,

i.  That God made man male and female, one male, and one female; so that Adam could not put away his wife and take another, for there was no other to take, which was an intimation to all his sons, that they must not.

ii.  When this male and this female were, by the ordinance of God, joined together in holy marriage, the law was, That a man must leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife (v. 7); which intimates not only the nearness of the relation, but the perpetuity of it; he shall so cleave to his wife as not to be separated from her.

iii.  The result of the relation is, That, though they are two, yet they are one, they are one flesh, v. 8. The union between them is the most intimate  a sacred thing that must not be violated.

1. God himself was joined them together; he has not only, as Creator, fitted them to be comforts and helps meet for each other, but he has, in wisdom and goodness, appointed them who are thus joined together, to live together in love till death parts them. Marriage is not an invention of men, but a divine institution, and therefore is to be religiously observed, and the more, because it is a figure of the mystical inseparable union between Christ and his church.

Now from all this he infers, that men ought not to put their wives asunder from them, whom God has put so near them. The bond which God himself has tied, is not to be lightly untied. They who are divorcing their wives for every offence, would do well to consider what would become of them, if God should in like manner deal with them ( Isa. 50:1; Jer. 3:1).

Other things essential for the fostering of triumph through effective communication are;

Effective Communication in Marriage: In every marriage relationship, communication is important.  Communication is the sending out of a message to an individual who is able to understand and act appropriately. It is “the process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols and signs of behaviour”. There are basically two types of communications; verbal and non-verbal communications. The verbal is the spoken type of communication while the non-verbal is the use of signals and symbols.

• Communication strengthens the love Relationship Feelings must be expressed and reciprocated in relationships. Two people in love must interact with each other on a regular basis through various modes of communications. This will enhance the growth of love . The recipient must understand what the sender intends to communicate and vice a versa. Clarity of thoughts is essential in relationship.
• It sustain Understanding and Unity: The couples need to make it as a basic part of them to sit together in a relaxed mood to talk about feeling they have for each other, over their differences, plan the family budget, talk about the children, their work, hobbies, current national issues and other relevant things.
• It helps to avoid Conflict: There is need to express ourselves directly since no one can read the mind of the other.
• Respect and Honesty: Couples must be polite as they communicate. Appropriate tone of voice (Proverbs 15:1) Avoid sarcasm, ridicule, judgmental statements and accusations without strong basis. Lie must not be allowed among the partners. Transparency is important. Avoid words like (I will slap you, I will divorce you, swine, you are hopeless, you go to hell, I blame myself for marrying you, you go to hell, you call yourself a man, I hate you, bitch I don’t love you anymore etc). 
• Ability to listen and Forgiveness: Couples must be patient to listen to one another and avoid over reaction on pretty things. The right time and right words must be chosen. When offended, couples must learn to forgive.( Matt. 11:25-26)
• Understand each other’s Temperament: The four types of temperaments are;

9.  Sanguine (the cheerful, warm, buoyant, talks much, make friends easily, super extrovert),
10. Choleric (the commander, hot quick , active, practical and strong willed, extrovert),
11.  Melancholy  (the thinker, sacrificing, gifted, intelligent, creative) and –
12. Phlegmatic (the perfectionist, calm, easy going, cool, slow, well balanced, organized and dependable).
13. Exchange gifts, Organize anniversaries celebration, touching and kissing, writing of notes, letters, sending of text messages etc.

In  further consideration of the interpersonal relationship in marriage, the five needs of the woman and man will be considered.

1. Five Needs of the Woman: These are;
2. Affection/Love: Small affectionate moments can have a big ripple affection in your relationship. When you show affection to your spouse, she/he feel noticed, respected, and cherished. Taking time to show simple gestures of affection tells your spouse that she/ he is more important than any other person in your life. Some things that can be done are;
3. Kiss her regularly
4. Tell her you love her
5. Give a love pat when you walk by
6. Initiate sex- the way she wishes you would.
7. Text him a kind message about something you admire about her.
8. Leave her a note in a unique place—maybe even make it a scavenger hunt
9. Buy her a simple gift that says you love her and are thinking of her
10.  Greet her at the door when she gets home with a warm welcome
11.  Tell her why you are proud of her.
12.  Have a thank you party and celebrate all things you are thankful for about  her
13. Play and pray together.
14. Conversation: The woman needs the man to talk with her. Most women will give account of their activities you were not with her. She needs you to patiently listen to her and share your experiences with her as well.
15. Honesty and Openness: Little details are important to women. They will want you to hid nothing from them. From health matters to office matters and others related to friends.
16. Financial Support: God made the man as head of the family. The man is therefore expected to provide for the woman financially. No matter how much the woman has, she still needs the man to care for her. 
17. Family Commitment: Every woman expects her man to take care of the children, as well as assisting her in the kitchen. This creates more of the intimacy and friendship
18. Five Needs of the Man: The needs are;

1. Sexual Need: This can be a need for both the woman and the man. However, the need is more in the case of the man. Women are easily moved by what they hear, but men are easily moved by what they see. A denial is usually very offensive to the man. Sexual activity should begin with the foreplay. This turn on a mental switch, getting the thoughts moving in the right erotic direction. The touching,  intimate talk, kissing hugging, petting, cuddling, massaging and stimulation involved in the foreplay keeps both of them ready for sex. It usually takes the women more time to reached orgasm. The man must be conscious of this and work to improve himself where he has a short period of orgasm. The mental attitude must be maintained and sexual satisfaction becomes very essential.
2. Domestic Support:   The man needs a home keeper who has the ability to keep the home clean always. He feels proud when he comes home and the house is neat and attractive. A woman who is pro-active in handling the issues of the home especially as it relates to the children is always a pride to the husband.
3. Attractive Spouse: The man wishes to see the wife always beautiful. If possible, as beautiful as when he married her. This requires her to constantly and adequately maintain herself. She must not assume that because she is married, nobody is admiring her again. The husband is confronted with the challenge of attractive ladies either at his place of work, in the Church and other places of meeting. Knowing that what the man see moves him, the wife at home must be able to present herself in a way that he will not see her lacking. This will in fact bring him home always.
4. Admiration: Every human being love to be admired at one time or the other. Just as the woman loves to be told how beautiful and attractive she is, the man also loves to be admired. When he is dressed up, before going out, tell him how handsome he is. When he does something for the wife and children, it is necessary to show such appreciation and admiration. This gives him the feeling that he is preferred more than every other man. This is why making comparison between the husband and other men offensive to him.
5. Recreational Companionship: The man also needs one who will be interested in the game he loves playing. He wants his wife to accompany him and play with him as well.

Conclusion

The marriage institution is one that was instituted by God and the terms must be respected. Our society is in a mess today because some of our marriages were on a wrong foundation and we have allowed the devil to strangulate others. The Lord is depending on the Church to correct the ills in our families and society.